Little Billy

Mom sent me this one. I thought it was cute.

A little 3 yr old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.

The little boy is gripping onto the toilet seat with his left hand & hitting himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: “Billy, are you alright? You’ve been in here for awhile.”

Billy says: “I’m fine, Mommy. I just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”

Mother says: “Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”

Billy says: “Works for ketchup.”

Monday, Monday

I'm extremely bo(red) here at work today. I'm practically by myself. It's so quiet and it's driving me nuts! Mom Turner and I just did our walk around the Cap. It was nice to get out.

This weekend we cleaned the church building...all four of us that showed up. That's always a delight. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that no other team does as thorough of a cleaning as ours. Nor do I think that the other buildings get cleaned every week, let alone once a month. That's all I'm going to say about that. I will say this: Group 4, you're on your own next month because I'll be enroute to Paris. Happy cleaning!

I also planted 200 bulbs I had ordered direct from Holland. Doesn't that sound so fancy? I don't really think they're that fancy, but probably more so than those from HD or Lowe's. I'm hoping that within the next month or so, I'll have Irises (Iri?), Gladioli, Alliums, and Peonies. Per usual, Paiute Place will be back to being the best looking home on the block. Yes, my backyard still looks like @#$%!

Don't worry everyone, I was able to use Toro on Saturday. It's such a pleasure now to mow the lawns of Paiute Place! It was almost too sad for me when I was finished. I must have looked like a fool as I stood there with the mower running, staring at my neighbors overgrown lawn, itching to mow it for them. I'm sure they wouldn't have minded but I didn't want to insult anyone. Instead I called it done. However, I later found that the fun didn't end there - this nifty new mower of mine has an attachment for the hose allowing the mower to clean itself beneath the deck. How cool is THAT?! Pretty snifty, right?! I know, I know, you all want mine...but you're gonna need to back off because you can't have Toro. He's mine! I will tell you that Costco had it for $10 less than what I paid for it. No, I'm not going to haggle over a $10 difference but my point is that if Costco has it, then I know it's a great product!

Let's see, what else do I have to share with you. Those of you who have seen my DVD collection know that it has been in dissarray for nearly three years. They have resided on my dining room floor, carefully stacked along the wall NOT in alpha order. Gross, I know! I finally had DVD shelves made. In usual John Turner fashion (Meja, I know you'll feel me on this), I had to stress about the paint/stain color for a few days. Don't worry, a decision was made and I'm okay with the results. The shelves look very nice in the corner of my living room. I have a lot going on in my living room but I really have no choice. My home is quite small and until I can upgrade, this is how it's gotta be. I'll try and post pics soon as I know everyone will be just DYING to see them! I know, right? Pretty exciting stuff!

With that, I think I'll sign off and figure out what in the crud we're doing tonight for a FHE activity. That is the neverending question!

AI Entertainment!

OKAY!!!!! So many things to cover.

1) What is with the lip syncing? It looks so cheesy!
2) Paula may be a loon but that girl can sure move!!!! Gotta give a girl that! Props to her!
3) Dang, Kris can move. Who knew?! Go white boy, go!
4) They did NOT waste any time getting get rid of Lil (short for "Little")! For real, yo!
5) Which brings us to out first set of performers...Let's start with Miss Freda Payne and her Band of Gold. Oh my. Did ya'll catch that last move she she made at the end of her performance? I WAS DYING!!! Then we had Big Bird...gone black! FRIKKIN BIG BIRD!!!!!!!!! You know which one I'm talking about too!!!! Oh my word. KC and the Sunshine Band, what a strange group of individuals...
6) Little David Archuletta - I have to say, he talks like a muppet! For reals! His live performance didn't sound so hot but that could be because I've had his CD in my car that last three weeks or so and I couldn't help but compare it to that. Bless his heart...
7) Anoop daWg is gone! Take your hand out of your pocket...screwball.

What a fantastic night! Who knew it was going to be so entertaining?! The final two lackees were sent home! YES! Now we're down to the top five. I think we should stop here. I don't want to see what happens after this. They're all really good.

For more of Paula, click here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cX9dXTxeGLg

American Idol, April 21

Ryan said "Pool of Abdul" when referring to Paula after Adam's performance! HAA! While I thought the song was drawn out tooo slow, I agree with Simon when he referred to the performance as "immaculate". That dude can sing anything!

Kris rocks.

I thought Lil's performance was entertaining and I thought she gave it everything she got. Was it the best performance? Not even close. Poor thing spent the entire song chasing after the right notes...and never found any of them...

Matt's back!

I still think Allison should have sung MacArthur Park. Just sayin...

Disco Tuesday...

I've been putting a lot of thought into the Disco themed American Idol slated for next week. I am very concerned about our contestants. Seriously, Disco? After much consideration, here is how I believe Tuesday night should go down:

Adam Lambert – You Should Be Dancing (BeeGees)
Allison – MacArthur Park (Donna Summer)
Kris – Staying Alive (Bee Gees) OR I Want You Back (Jackson 5)
Danny – Never Can Say Goodbye (Jackson 5)
Anoop – That’s the Way of the World OR After the Love Has Gone (Earth, Wind, Fire)
Lil – Last Dance (Donna Summer) or Everlasting Love (Gloria Estefan style)
Matt – September (EWF)

May the force be with them all! If any choose to veer from this path which I have chosen for them, may they have their bags packed!

Turner OUT!

Comments? Concerns?

It's been one of those days...

Check it - yesterday we went to the Old Pasghetti Factory for Betty's birthday lunch. I ordered the sicilian sausage sandwich with I love but can only get at lunch time. Between the ice cream and salad, (because it's the complete meal at OSF!), I was only able to eat half of the sandwich. I had decided to eat the other half today for lunch. I left it in the fridge with my name on it last night. This morning when I went to grab my breffas, I noticed that my lunch was gone. Somebody stole my food AGAIN!!!!! This has happened to me at least four times since I've been here. I was NOT a happy boy! Don't worry, I shot an e-mail to all four levels of management expressing my disgust with this continuing to happen. I filed a missng item report and dropped it off to the powers that be. I'm over this! I think we should chop the person's had off who is stealing from others. Isn't that what they do in Thailand or someplace like that?!

What irritates me the most is that I have plenty of food at home in my fridge that I could have had for lunch but I knew I had something here. I had to go out and buy lunch AGAIN.

Oh but wait, there's more! I went to McDonald's to get one of those $3 meals. It's a bargain! K-Flo asked that I get her some tea as well. Not sure if you've ever purchased a sweet tea from there but it's in this huge styrofoam cup. I made it all the back to the parking garage without it tipping over...and then I had the nerve to park my car. As I was parking, the little bastard fell out of the cupholder (Ava's cupholders are pretty worthless BTW!) and onto the passenger seat AND it all spilled amongst everything and onto the carpet. WHAT. THE. HELL. Needless to say, K-Flo did NOT get her tea. I had already been toying with the idea of getting Ava detailed but I think this incident assisted my decision making.

If there's anything else that needs to happen, it needs to happen now so we can just get this over with and taken care of!

AI Results -

I don't ever want to see Matt that close to going home again...until I say so. There are two people who need to go before he does. Good grief America!

1. Let's talk about Hannah and her performance -
   That girl does NOT look like she is 16 mkkaayy!
2. I had never noticed that her two BIG teeth are kinda yellow. Not cute! Let's go ahead and get that taken care of!
3. Did anyone else notice how she was dancing/guessturing as if she were singing to a rock song? That was way weird. How about that one part where she had her arm up in the air and she yelped. Yikes...
4. Finally, the best part of the evening, the one, the only JHud! Always a treat to hear from her. She looked good except for those horrid pants she was sportin'. Not cute but we'll let that slide.
   
   Next week the genre is disco. What in the...???? Seriously? Matt's screwed right off the bat. Lil (short for 'little') will most likely sing Gloria Gaynor or Donna Summer. Kris, the only disco tune I can see him doing a semi decent performance of is Stayin' Alive. Allison, can't think of a song she'll be able to pull off in disco. Adam, I think we know he'll pull something out of his bag of tricks to make it work! Danny, he should be scared as well. Anoop, good luck. Seriously? Disco? There could be a chance that more of them could be in that bottom three with that pool of songs. This ain't right.

AI Tues Apr 14

...because it was the judges that took so much time last week and made the show run over. I am so sure...check it, if Ryan would quit shootin' the shiz at the beginning of the show, there would be plenty of time for the performers! We don't need complete introductions to the judges every week. Personally, I would like to hear from all of the judges (and by all the judges, I mean Randy, Kara, and Simon).

What was going on with the diamond studded dog collar and leash Paula was sportin'?

How random was it that Quentin Tarantino was the "mentor" for the week. What in the world does he have to do with the music industry? Surprisingly, he had some very good suggestions. I think Anoop took his advice which contributed to an improved performance.

Matt...if he would stop trying to do those extra curricular woowoos and concentrate more on hitting the right notes, he'd be able to stay in the game!

I think Lil should probably sing gospel because realy, she's just not suttin' it anymore with this other stuff.

I think everything else is self explanatory. Hear from me tomorrow!

American Idol Cuts Off Adam

From realityblurred.com -

Ryan Seacrest blames producers for overrun; critics call director Bruce Gowers “incompetent”

Ryan Seacrest’s DVR recording of the show he actually hosts was also affected by its eight-minute overrun that left Adam Lambert’s performance out of DVR recordings for many viewers. But the American Idol host says it wasn’t his fault and blamed the show’s producers, although at least one blogger is calling for the show’s “incompetent” director, Bruce Gowers, to be fired.

After the show ran over, a viewer complained to Seacrest on Twitter: “WTF, Seacrest! Host your f****** show better! I don’t get to see all of the performers because it ran over and I record it.”

Seacrest responded by blaming producers: “idol went long. producers build the show time… 8 singers 4 judges… my tivo cut out too.” Later, he announced that he’d put video of Adam’s performance on his site.

But Bruce Gowers, the director who left last year but returned this season, is getting the blame from in-the-know bloggers and critics. His direction is often pretty abysmal even when the show comes in on time. As Marc Hirsh previously wrote, one of American Idol’s “lies” is “Directed by Bruce Gowers,” saying Gowers “ability to pace a broadcast to come in on time is nonexistent” and calling him “incompetent from a technical standpoint.”

Vote for the Worst’s response to last night said “Bruce Gowers is a f****** idiot who can’t get a show to finish up in an hour (ever thought to get rid of the stool chats, Bruce? How stupid are you?).” And MJ says, simply, that he “needs to be fired. I swear.”

American Idol Results - April 8

How totally random to have Frankie Avalon on American Idol! I know who he is but does the rest of young America? Should they? Absolutely. Do they? Probably not. I wonder how Annette is these days...

Anywho, what is going on with Matt's facial expression in that opening number! Yikes!
I hate Adam's shoes. Gross.
Flo Ride THIS! How do we go from Frankie Avalon to Flo Rider?! What the...ghettoness...

BOOYAH BOTTOM THREE!!!

Oh the Pickle, I must say that I've heard this song on the radio and it rocks. Girl was having a great time with this performance. AND I think I just saw KP's tampon string. That dress...gracious! Ryan said CALAMARI!!!!!!!

Scott should be going home but let's see if the judges pull a politically correct move and waste their save on this guy...

Was anyone else uncomfortable while the judges made the decision to send him home? Good grief. he's not the best one, send him home.

SEE YA!

TURNER OUT!

American Idol - Tuesday

Danny - I agree with the judges. Really didn't like the arrangement but he did it well.

Kris - He good!

Lil Rounds - I think I'm officially not a big fan of Lil (not just a stage name) Rounds. The way she sings each and every word...and I think it's the type of songs she's singing. I think she should probably try more R&B. Maybe that will make her sound better?

Anoop - He shoud stick with the ballads and we'll go from there.

Scott - Another GREAT song choice. I'm still okay with him going home soon. And then there's the screech of that last note...oops. Is it just me or did he look extra "special" when he started strumming that guitar.

PAULA HAS LIPTSTIPCK ON HER TEETH!!!

Allison - Great job, but she's wearing another Mexican fiesta!

Matt - Still top 5!

Adam - AWESOME!

BTW - While listening to track 9, To Be With You, on David Archuleta's CD, I wondered who the female background vocals belonged to. After looking through the CD insert, I discovered it was Kara DioGuardi! Well done Kara!

Toro! Toro! Toro!

I had my last fight with my ol' Snapper lawn mower last weekend. That thing was always so sensitive. If all I had to mow was my front yard then Snappy was sufficient. Since I've had to mow about four lawns (both sides front and back), it's had a hard time keeping up. Last weekend, the rope broke going to the recoil. That was it. Dad had spent some time working on it's other issues several months ago but now this. I think it's had a long enough life. Dad got it used years ago and I've had it since I've lived here at Paiute Place. I've decided I'd be done with such nonsense and buy my first lawn mower.

Everyone, meet my new Toro!

Let me tell you that I don't think I could have been more excited about my brand new shiny red lawn mower! It's self-propelled AND it starts right up! How fantastic is that?! I wanted to mow everyone else's lawn in the neighborhood it was such a great experience!!!!

That's my story. May Snappy rest in peace! I can't WAIT until next week when it's time to mow the lawn again!

Kevin and Landon

What do you get when you put Landon and Kebs together at church in Sacrament meeting? Ringling Bros!

.

But in the end...so worth it! Check it out!

Is this not PRESH?!?!?!
Just melts my everlovin' heart!

Happy Birthday to Kebs!

For his 3rd birthday, I decided that Kebs and I needed to spend some time together. We went to McDonald's for lunch where he thoroughly enjoyed his Happy Meal and his toy. Little did McDs know that they also threw in an extra for Landon! Upon completion of our tasty little burgers, off we went to the park where we fed the duckies (which BTW seem to be well fed).

Kebs carried the bread.
It took everything he had to haul it to the duckies.

Feeding the ducks.

"I'm gonna get you duckies!"

"I'm getting closer..."

"muahahahaaaa!"

We sat on the bench and waited for the ducks to come to us.
Kebs needed a moment to ponder the situation.

"I think I'm kinda hungry."

"The ducks have had enough. I'm going for it!"

American Idol Results

Don't stop and believe this! Those kids are lip syncing again!!!! Could Scott look anymore ridiculous pretending to play the keyboard????

Ryan, why do we care who can do who?! Let's wrap this up real quick all nice and tight!

Oh look, Fast and Furious #48, how...original.

April Fools...shfee shfee shfee...can we just get through this already?!

Megan said she didn't care what Simon said...and that's obvious. She's boring. What's with the flapping of the wings?

What was the little kid having a seizure on stage with Lady Gaga?
I'm not sure I've ever seen Ms. Gaga before. She is quite the interesting creature. Goodness.

Simon said "NOR DO WE (CARE)!" Fantastic! Well said Simon. And look at her dance like a white girl as she sings her song again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is retarded!!!!!!!! UH HUH!!! I think she's on something tonight!

I'm out!